25 things we don't teach in fencing (but secretly wish we could)

Basic

1. Fencing up and down stairs

2. Fencing along balconies/long banqueting tables

3. Jumping out of windows and/or swinging from trailing ropes etc

4. Wearing a cape with elan

5. Understanding just exactly what elan is

6. Witty quips whilst parrying

7. Putting candles out with a cut

8. Using inanimate objects such as pillars, posts etc to duck behind when your opponent thrusts

Intermediate

9. Maintaining sang froid and constant witticisms whilst swords locked together with opponent

10. Not breaking a sweat - ever

11. Recognising when your opponent is sweating and making a pointed comment about it

12. Ducking the high cut and leaping over the low reverse

13. Cutting candles in half and leaving them standing for more than five seconds

14. Fencing along the banister or balcony railings

15. Throwing your sword (and not missing - anyone can throw a sword...)

16. Swapping hands midway through a fight

Advanced

17. Arrow cutting

18. A secret unstoppable stroke

19. Recognising when the order of 12 above is different (v important)

20. Getting your sword back after 15 above

21. Disarming your opponent so their sword sticks in the ceiling

22. Looking amusingly surprised when your sword breaks thus gaining just enough time to punch your opponent with the guard

23. When disarmed, inducing your opponent to monologue/expound in order to gain time to rearm

24. Fencing an opponent from a moving vehicle - when they are in/on another

25. Becoming one with The Force